What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
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