Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
Randomize
