I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
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