I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
This is my gift to your gina
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
Randomize
