i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
