Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
We need to re-create the Get Some Ass Tour 2002.
Um, 2 out of 3 people involved with that particular event are now married, so I don't think that will be happening.
HELLO, they're MARRIED! They need to get some ass more than anyone.
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
