living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
I think weed is turning my hair brown
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
Randomize
