I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
so last night after we hooked up i got my period and woke up this morning with a blood stain on his bed and not only was it huge but i had put my jeans back on before bed so i took the walk of shame with period stained pants
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
