Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
Congratulations! We have a period
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