Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
Randomize
