meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
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