If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
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