i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
Randomize
