Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
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