He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
The cl.oudds are foaming a really big pen.Is OMG.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
