I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
