And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
Randomize
