Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
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