he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
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