Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
Randomize
