considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Randomize
