watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
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