UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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