Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
Error 1684C: You're last text was undeeliverable. Subscriber is our to the aera.
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
why do cheetos always look like penises
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
Randomize
