lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
Randomize
