In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Randomize
