i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
Randomize
