I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
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