At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
Randomize
