my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
