I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
