what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
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Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
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why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
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