Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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