My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
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