You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
Randomize
