I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
Randomize
