seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
THE HALLOWEEN QUEST WILL BE PICS OF US IN OUR COSTUMES IN EXCHANGE FOR DICK PICS. IT HAS BEEN DECIDED.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
I don't want my vagina anymore.
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
Randomize
