Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Randomize
