I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
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