I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
There is a literally infinite number of spliffs going around this table.
Delicious
I feel like I'm at a sushi bar with a spliff belt.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
Randomize
