Plan B is the new Plan A
I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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