shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
