Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
Randomize
