When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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