I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
Randomize
