hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
only 4 hours until nug lovin time
excuse me?
nug lovin. lovin nugs.
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