there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
