i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
elementary school lunch room party. everyone brings their own lunch and can trade stuff. all juice is booze.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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