I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Randomize
