I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
He passed out mid-signature
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
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