I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
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in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
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I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
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