The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
Randomize
