i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
you were making out with a girl because you told her you were part of Nsync
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
