I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
Randomize
