If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
new low.... made out with someone while peeing
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
