either fucking kiss her or kick her ass to the curb. Either way I can hear everything you are saying
Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
I wonder why dictionaries dont have indexes to help find the words easier.
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
